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June 18 I want to meet you God. I dream of my beach house. I dream of all the knowledge out there to know. I dream of all love... But all of these do not satisfy me. I want meet God. I want to talk to God. I want to listen to God. I want to see God. I want to befriend God. I want to know God. I want to love Allah. God.. LIFE was not fair to me. I got wounded so hard. Give me strength. Give me faith. Give me patience. Give me hope. Give me courage. Forgive me. Listen to me please. Forgive me. Give me happiness. Give me knowledge. Let me forget..Please. Let me forget. Let me forget. Let me forget. God. I believe in you. I really do. I have so much faith in You. I know I do not thank you that much..for knowing you..for being God.. I am really sorry. ya Allah. Forgive us, help us..help us please.. ya Allah, you created me you chose for me to be a human. to be a girl. to be me. ya Allah, you destined this life for me.. You do not hurt me by any mean. All the goodness I have is from you. I do not know how can I think of anyone beside you. I do not know how I do not think of you at all sometimes. how little I praise you how little I pray I am sorry. ya Allah, help me. April 13 normal again?Sh is a shy beautiful little girl. Her mom dresses her with all cute girly dresses and skirts. All her relatives are fond of her. They play with her. Some male relatives play a different game. She is old enough now to understand it all. Can she become normal again? Can she erase all the grudge, anger and disgust from her now grown soul ? She can not. Even if she became a dust again, then from a droplet she reborn. Yet, maybe she can, If only she became a dust again, then from a light she reborn. April 11 Life... I am breathing..I am still alive. Thank you God. Sometimes, it is really hard to thank Allah. It is so difficult to be grateful when I am blind. I do see everything. I see the sky and the people. I see the words in books. I see the sea. I see Makka and Madina. I see the rain. Yet, I am always blind ungrateful creature. I just forget that I can see all this and simply close my eyes. I wonder what Allah thinks of me now. It is shameful how I blame Him for all my stupidity. Sometimes I just get angry and tell Him why do not you just stop me.. Now I think how silly it is. From all, I chose to blame Him. Allah created me. I was nothing. He chose for me to live. He gave me life. He is the first one who knows me. He knows all about me. He knows me better than I do. Do I mean something to God? When I am in the class, I might be nothing. The teacher may not know me. They student may not know me. I am there and know care what I do or what will happen to me. I am nothing for them. I might go to a new city where no one knows me. People deal with me but they do not necessarily care who am I and what I am doing. Sometimes I feel the same in my very own home. My family does not know me very well, and many times they just do not care about what I am going through. Yet...when I think about myself in a huger environment; in wider space..bigger than my house or the classroom or the city..when I think about myself as human being in this vast universe; In all these stars and galaxies...sure, I will be an atom. A nothing. So tiny that can be called nothing... In this state of smallness in size and triviality in importance...there is a one who really cares..a one who is so close..a one who knows all about me..a one who has decided to give me a chance..to give me life..to give me happiness.. I mean something to Him.. it might sounds silly..but I want to say sorry to Him..I know I may not be better..I know I may be ungrateful again.. But I wish He forgives me forever..I wish Allah forgives me forever.. I pray He forgives me forever.. February 27 what's good about her I am trying to think good about my mom. I know I say i love her the most all the time, but I suspect that....I think if I have a magical picture of myself like that of Dorian Gray it will be ugliest than the devil himself. I am not capable to love anyone I live with or know more about her/him. That's a fact. So, since I live with mom, I should think of good things about her, so I can love her..or at least get ride of that negative feeling I have towards her. I will try to think of 10 things good about her... 1- She is open-minded. She allows me to read, watch and do whatever I like...actually she simply does not care.. 2- She is beautiful...yeah I can not like not beautiful thing, who can? 3- She panics when I fell sick..yeah it is really amusing.. 4- She forgives me easily. 5- She is the only person in the world who truly wishes happiness for me. THE ONE AND THE ONLY. 6- She I really cant think of any for now.. February 21 Disappointed =/ I feel disappointed today. I wanted to write something about justice, but I could not. All the ideas are in my mind, and I am intending to write them in my native language, but I just can not. The ideas are so much overwhelming that I can not express them. I know this is unacceptable excuse. I doubted my linguistics abilities again. I did many things which I promised I should not do again. I doubted my skills, I gave up, I felt so sad and negative and I wasted long time because of my sadness. When I could not write anymore, I went to the kitchen and made myself some food. I made honey and cheese sandwich and green tea. I was not hungry, but because I felt sad because of my bad writing I tried to cheer myself with eating something. It sounds so animalistic (<this word is wrong, but do not feel like using dictionary) I know. These days I do not do much. I read my beloved books, and I spend hours do nothing. Just looking at the cilling and thinking, thinking and thinking. Thinking really makes me afraid. When I think about my life or life in general I get so afraid. When I think about God it scares me as well, because I really can not understand these things. Sometimes it is difficult for me to believe that I exist. That's why I always occupy myself in doing something; even if it is useless or bad thing. I just do anything to not to feel this fear which comes from realizing the existence of one's self. I talk nonsense I know. I do not know if I do not try hard or if it is just my fate. I wonder if I can change anything. I want it badly to be changed, but what if it is part of fate that it can not be changed? nonsense again.. I will not sleep before writing about justice. I will try hard, and I will not give up quickly. But, I really wonder why I try so hard in writing the rubbish in my mind..I do not know why I try hard in a vain thing. I mean what is the use of writing that paper? what the use of getting sad because I could not write it? I am in vacation now. I should enjoy life. It is called "spring" vacation not hell vacation. I do not know why I talk live so seriously. I mean I enjoy reading books, but why do I force myself to write rubbish which no one reads? I can not express myself in everyday life, how can I expect myself to express its complex rubbish? If I lived until next year, I know what i will be doing, and it kind of boring. I am wrong again. I should remember my friend's cousin, yeah I am so ungrateful. These are many promises to break in one day. But really life does not interest me at all. No, people do not, live does. I love nature, and living in a big city gives me pains all over my body and brain and soul. I am sulking these days. I rarely speak. My friend gave a birth to a baby boy, and I did not contact her yet. She is one of my best friends, but I really do not feel like talking at all. I barely talk these days. Maybe I will not write that article after all. Once, I dreamt that I went to Makkah, then in the way home, we had car accident, then we stopped at beautiful beach, then we cam back home. At home, I was telling my family that I do not remember the holy mosque at all. I told them we have just been there, but I can not remember it at all. I just remember the road. What a strange dream, I wonder what it means. I wish to go to a therapist. I really need one. will i guess i will just speak to God before i sleep. Yeah it is better than writing that article..maybe i will do both. I wonder if Allah likes to listen to me. well, that's some thing i wrote days ago, but did not have net access ALHMDULILAH, today is a good day. I played PS3 with my "boy friends" and had so much fun! I played Resident Evil and Silent Hill. Yeah, we're kinda so into scary video games!! But I really felt depressed playing Silent Hill !! it is sooo scary and gloomy. Really..those who made it must be psycho!! Who wants to be THAAT scared!! Anyhow, it is nice to play games again and kill some zombies. I can not remember when the last time I played video games! But really, people like to play videogames with me. I get excited and scream all the time. I jumbed out from my set and...I might through the control hand out from my hand sometimes.. I did not win any of the games I played, but I enjoyed my time. Also, I finished reading a book about my beloved prophet Muhammad peace be upon him life. It is amazing book and I guess it is the third time I read. Now I am listening to my favourite Japanese song "Sakura" and ready to sleep There is an idea that always comes to my mind, and I always think about it. I really want to work in an orphenage. I am so eager to teach those children anything, I am thinking of teaching the very young kids languages, and wish to try some linguistics methods...I hope my wish comes true one day. I want to wok there even for free, I do not mind. I just want to be a part of that society... February 16 22 things yeah..22 things I should stop doing..let's start!! 1- STOP delaying prayers (Just jump up the first time you hear Azan!!) 2- STOP using PC more than 3 hours a day (3 hours is the maximum. Get a live!!) 3- STOP getting angry at mom 10 times a day (Obey mom or you won't see paradise ever!!) 4- STOP going to chat room without purpose (Bored? DON'T even think to touch your laptop!!) 5- STOP arguing (That's how you win an argument, DON'T start it, REALLY!!) 6- STOP "hurting the kitten" (Seriously, Allah watches you!!) 7- STOP looking 8- STOP comparing yourself to others (You can be good, but you DON'T need to be BETTER than anybody!!) 9- STOP looking down at uneducated people (Try to EDUCATE them humbly than to belittle them!!) 10- STOP sleeping at morning time (How can you waste the beautiful day time!!) 11- STOP sleeping more than 6 hours (sleeping more than 6 hours is not sleeping, it is slumbering!!) 12- STOP watching a whole series on one day (seriously, people watch them along MONTHS. Exercise your PATIENCE!!) 13- STOP delaying your chores (you do not know when your kidney stop functioning again..) 14- STOP thinking negatively about your life (thank God you still alive no matter how down you feel!!) 15- STOP being so stubborn (just then people will start melt down in front of view, promise!!) 16- STOP hating bad people in your life (think of them as cancer cells and accept Allah fate!!) 17- STOP doubting your language abilities (keep trying and never give up) 18- STOP getting angry easily (what if you heard a person making noises while eating? laugh at it!!) 19- STOP being moody (control your mood, do not let it control you) 20- STOP whining (change what you can and leave the rest to Allah, complain to Him) 21- STOP believing rubbish (ants are just freaking ANTS!!) 22- STOP giving up ok, I hope I can change. . . February 14 14 Febuary is here again... yeah, this is the 22nd "14 February" in my life. I am 22 years old now. Sure, I am not satisfied about what I have achieved in my life 'til now. I want to change many bad habits in my life. This date of today always reminds me of all the bad things I have done. I do not know why it is always difficult for me to remember the good things. Since I am 22 now, I will think of 22 things I wanna change in my life. I will try to write that list tomorrow because now I have an exam to study for. The thing I mostly long for now is freedom. I want to be free from bad thoughts, fears, bad habits, bad manner, impatient, laziness, sins, hypocrisy, lonely and doubts. I want to be free from walls. I want to leave my black glasses behind . I will graduate in few months, maybe three, then will start new life. I am happy because finally I will stop being taught. I will keep learning new things by myself, but I can not wait til I finish my studies. I really want to make changes in my life, and I always want to. But I will think about it seriously this time. I will seriously consider stop using my PC...for long whiles. I should be free from using PC too. YEAH, I wanna my life back. I am done with this small screen. I like my books more, but I guess the big crowd behind this small window distract us all. I will think about all this tomorrow in'shaAllah after finishing my final exam. I want to be different person with different life. Uh I really love myself. I am so grateful for Allah for He gave me this life, and mama who brought me to this world. I know I let both down, but I will try do be better in'shaAllah. I do not know why I sound so depressed while writing this, but actually I am happy today! Today I listened to my favorite Iraqi song and the one below, it always makes me feel so powerful : "I Believe I Can Fly" I used to think that I could not go on And life was nothing but an awful song But now I know the meaning of true love I'm leaning on the everlasting arms* If I can see it, then I can do it If I just believe it, there's nothing to it I believe I can fly I believe I can touch the sky I think about it every night and day Spread my wings and fly away I believe I can soar I see me running through that open door I believe I can fly I believe I can fly I believe I can fly See I was on the verge of breaking down Sometimes silence can seem so loud There are miracles in life I must achieve But first I know it starts inside of me, oh If I can see it, then I can do it If I just believe it, there's nothing to it Hey, cuz I believe in me, oh If I can see it, then I can be it If I just believe it, there's nothing to it Hey, if I just spread my wings I can fly I can fly I can fly, hey If I just spread my wings I can fly Fly-eye-eye * I listen to this song since ages, and I never realized what these 2 lines mean. It must mean loving and riling on Allah!! How sweet~ February 11 O Allah...O Allah, all praise be to You. You have said, and Your Word is the clear truth. And whose word can be truer than Allah's? Who is more true in statement than Allah? Say: "Allah speaks the Truth: follow the religion of Abraham, the sane in faith. There is no God but Allah. He is Alone who is attributed with Majesty and Perfection of Beauty. He is the Unique who arranges matters in general and details; esteemed and measured. The Most Exalted in his Greatness and Nobility. He Who hath revealed unto His slave the Criterion (of right and wrong), that he may be a warner to the people. And we, on what our Lord and Creator and Provider has said, are witnesses. And for what He require and make oblige are not disbelievers. All praise be to Allah. May Allah's blessings and peace be upon the sealed of prophets, and his pure family and his pure wives the mothers of believers, and his righteous companions and upon us with him with Your Mercy and Generously and Forgiveness, You are the Most Generous. Glory be to Allah, who no one else than him should be glorified Glory be to Allah, how Great You are. Glory be to you our Lord, how Generous You are. Glory be to you our lord, how Forbearing You are. Glory be to you, we have not worshiped You as You ought to be worshiped. Glory be to Allah, who has not taken to himself a son, nor a partner. Glory be to Allah, who Created the creation and Counted them with accurate number. O Allah, All praise be to you. And all gratitude be to you. To you, all matters return; the open and the hidden of them. You are eligible to be praised. You are eligible to be worshiped. And You are able to do all things. all praise be to you our Lord. all praise be to Allah, enormous blessed praise, as our Lord pleases and approves. Praise be to Allah for the blessing of Islam. Praise be to Allah for the blessing of Quran. Praise be to Allah for the blessing of wealth, family and health. You have restrained our enemy, and spread peace, and united us. and from all what we have asked of you, O Lord, you gave us. Praise be to you our Lord for all this, enormous blessed praises. All praise be to you our Lord for Your great blessings. and Your huge favours. for You have revealed to us Your best Book, and sent to us the best of Your Prophets. and established to us the best of Your religion laws. and you made us the best nation that has been raised up for mankind. and guided us to the outlines of Your religion which has no ambiguity. and praise be to You for You have facilitated to us to fast and pray night prayer in Ramadan. and reading Your mighty book, which falsehood cannot come at it from before it or behind it. A revloution from The Almighty, The Praiseworthy. O Allah, we are your slaves, the children of your slaves, our necks are in Your hand. Your Rule is applied upon us Your Decreed is just on us. We ask you Allah by every name of You; You named Yourself with, or revealed it in Your book, or taught it one of Your creations, or concealed it in the knowledge of the unseen: To make the Quran the spring of our hearts, the light of our breasts, the dispeller of our sadness and the expeller of our sorrows. And our guide to You and to You paradise. O Allah by it, the Quran, dress us with garments, and inhabit us, by Quran, in shades, and push by it the calamities, and increase the blessings with it, and make us, with the Quran, in the judgment day among the victorious, and during the comfort from the thankful. and in the misfortune from the patient. and do not make us from whom are misguided by devils, then made him busy with (dunya) worldly life from( deen) religion, then he is regretful and in the hereafter will be among the losers. O Allah remind us what we forgot from Quran, and teach us what we are ignorant about in it, and guide us to recite it at night and morning at the way which pleases You. O Allah make us among those who permit what is lawful and forbid what is prohibited. 5:24 And among those who apply Qurans clear revelations and believe in the allegorical verses. And make us among those who read it with the right reading. O Allah, make the Quran the light of our hearts, the clearer of our sight, the cure of our illnesses, the eliminator of our sins and the savior from hell. O Allah, make us among those who read Holy Quran and rise. Not among those who read the Holy Quran, then become misery (for not following it.) O Allah, make us among the people of Holy Quran, who are Your people, particularly Your close people. O The Lord of Majesty and Bounty. O Allah, make us listeners to Holy Quran glory speech, And for its commanding submitters. And make us upon finish reading it victorious. And make us upon finish reading it victorious. And make us upon finish reading it victorious. And guide us to remember You in all our statuses. And guide us to turn to You in all our matters . O Most Merciful, Lord of Universes. O Allah rise our status by Holy Quran and benefits us from it. Which you have raised its status, and clarified its evidence. and supported its authority (power.) and You said-and You are the Mightiest who ever said- Glory be to you: And when We read it, follow thou the reading Then, it is for Us to explain it (and make it clear) The best of Your books in organization, and the best of Your books in eloquent speech, and the clearest in clearing what is halal and haram. Coherent in eloquence, Its evidence is apparent It is protected from adding and deleting from it (protected from "Corruption") It contains promising (good news) and threats. No falsehood can approach it from before or behind it: it is sent down by One Full of Wisdom, Worthy of all Praise O Allah, you hear the voices. O Allah, you hear the voices. O The Restorer of bones after death, You who restore the flesh on bones after death. Send your blessings and peace upon our prophet Muhammad and his family and companions and do not leave a sin for us in this place without forgiving nor a sorrow without relieving. nor a problem without solving nor a debate without paying it back nor a patient without healing him nor a dead person without having mercy upon him by Your Mercy, You are the Most merciful O our Lord O our Lord O our Lord we have witnessed the khatm of your holy Quran we have come to Your door, O Lord do not expel us from Your side and if You did, then there is no power and no strength except with You Allah There is no god but Allah; the number of what walked upon the lands and descended from the skies . praise be to Allah who has the keys of relief You are our comfort, You are our comfort when the doors are shut, and You are our hope when ways are cut and we are separated from our families and friends. O Allah forgive all the dead Muslims who testified that You are the only God, and that Your prophet is Your messenger and died upon this belief. O Allah forgive them and have mercy upon them, O Allah pardon them and exalt their status, and widen their graves, and cleanse them with water, snow and hails. and purify them from sins and mistakes as the white dress is purified from dirt and reward them for good deeds with beneficent, and for the sins with pardon and forgiveness so they be in graves at ease and in the day of resurrection are safe and toward your paradise they are the formers O Allah have mercy upon us when we follow them to graves Under the dust alone O The Lord Of Majesty And Bounty. O Allah, make the grave our best abode after departing this life. And widen our graves. O the Alive, the Self-Subsisting. O the Alive, the Self-Subsisting. O the Alive, the Self-Subsisting. By Your Mercy we beseech You, Do not leave us to ourselves ever for the blink of an eye or less than that. And amend all our affairs. O Allah forgive us all in this night. O Allah forgive us all in this night. And intercede with the righteous of us for the mistaken ones. O Allah in this holy mosque, holy night and holy place, Do not leave a sin from us without forgiving. O the Alive, the Self-Subsisting ,the Lord OF Majesty And Bounty! O Allah forgive all our sins, the small and the big ones the former sins, and the later sins. the apparent sins, and the hidden ones O The Most Merciful, Most Gracious, the Generous One. There is no god other than You in the existence to ask of! There is no god other than You in the universe to hope for! To whom we expose our distress and you are the Most Great, the Able? Or by whom we seek victory and You are the Lord the best Supporter! Who will mend our defeats, and You who mend our hearts! O You who know what in hearts, the Lord of the formers and the laters O You who do not but increase in generosity and grace with the constants asking (with constant supplications of people) Who ever has asked You then You deprived him (from what he asked)? Who ever has asked You then You deprived him? Who ever has called You and You expelled him? You are our refuge when all the ways are cut. You are our shelter when all solutions fail. O Allah to You we expose our distress, and with You is our comfort. You alone we ask for help. And to you we return. Upon you is conveying (the messages.) And there is no power and no strength except with Allah. O Allah, we ask you to set us free from hell fire. O Allah, we ask you to free us, our mothers, fathers, spouses, children, and those who love us for your sake, and whom we love for your sakeset us free from hell fire. With Your mercy, O the Mighty, the Forgiver O Allah, You are kind to your slaves in the last night of Ramdan that you set free from fire, as many as the number of these who have been set free from the first day of the month to the last day! O Allah make us among those who are set free from hell. By your Mercy, O the Most Merciful the Most Gracious. O Allah, we lost hope from anyone except from You. We are disappointed of everyone except from You. We weakened our dependence on everyone except on You. O Allah amend Muslims states everywhere. O Allah amend their conditions. O Allah relieve the distress of the distressed. and the remove damage on the damaged. O Allah relieve illnesses, ignorance and poverty from the countries of Muslims. O Allah, the Lord of the worlds. harmonize between Muslims hearts. And guide them to ways of peace (Islam.) And protect them from sins and shameful deeds, whether open or secret. O Allah protect us from Fitans (temptations), the open and secret. O You who hear every du'a (supplication.) O You know every whisper. O You who relieve every misery. O Allah we call unto You by Your Most Great name Which if You are asked by, You give. And if You are called by, You answer That you grant us heaven. That you grant us heaven. That you grant us heaven. And that You set free our necks from hell fire. By Your Mercy, O the Mighty the Forgiving O Allah handle Your enemies, the enemies of Your religion. for they do not incapacitate You O Allah dissipate their congregation, And shatter their integrity, And make them a lesson for people to learn. O Allah do not raise for them a flag (of authority and victory) on earth. And make them for others a sign and an example. O Allah make their affairs turn in bad consequences. And their efforts end in errors. And their deception turns in vain. You are Allah, the Most Great, the Most Exalted. O Allah hasten the relief and cure for Your friends everywhere. O Allah support our brothers in Palestine against the aggressive Zionists. O Allah handle the assaulted extorted Zionists They dont incapacitate You we seek your support for us against them. And we seek refugee in You Allah from their evils. O Allah support our brothers in Palestine. O Allah save the Holy Mosque Al'aqsa from the hands of the extorted occupiers. O Allah make it lofty and mighty to the Day of Judgment. O Allah grant us a prayer in the Holy Mosque Alaqsa before we die. O Allah unite our brothers. O Allah amend our brothers' situation in Iraq. And unite their hearts upon Holy Quran and Sunnah of your Messenger (peace and blessing of Allah be upon him) O Lord of the worlds. O Allah relieve the sorrows of Muslims. And resolve their problems. O Allah payback debts of those in debt. And set free the captives. And cure our patients and all Muslim patients. By Your Mercy, You are the Most Merciful Most Gracious. O Allah the Reliever of grief. The Reliever of misery. The Most Merciful, the Most Beneficent of this world and the hereafter. The Responsive of the wronged ones when they call Him. The Responsive of the wronged ones when they call Him. The Responsive of the wronged ones when they call Him. We ask of You O Allah a Mercy which satisfy us from other than You. O Allah! Verily You are the Forgiver, You love to Forgive, so Forgive us. O Allah! Verily You are the Forgiver, You love to Forgive, so Forgive us. O Allah! Verily You are the Forgiver, Generous; Generous; Generous; You love to Forgive, so Forgive us.O possessor of Majesty and Honour! O Allah of what You have decreed in this holy night- of goodness, health, safety,wealth- then make a share for us. And from what You have decreed in it of evil and illnesses and fitnas (temptations), then turn it away from us and all Muslims. O Allah praise be to You for the blessing of Eman (faith.) And for the blessing of safety and ease. O Allah have Mercy upon the one who united this kingdom. and have Mercy upon the kings who have ruled this country. O Allah make their graves a garden of paradise. O Allah grant success and supporting, Guidance and righteousness, to our imam and leader. O Allah guide Your slave the custodian of the tow Holy Mosque to what You love and please. O Allah grant him righteousness and piety. And establish for him the righteous company that guides him to what is good and helps him on establishing it. O Allah guide his successor to what brings goodness and righteousness, Guidance and virtue, And the benefit of the country and people. O You who owns this world, the hereafter and to Him we return. O Allah direct his brothers and supporters to what brings the honor to Islam and the goodness for Muslims. O Allah grant him long life in worshipping You, correct decisions and wise actions. And reward them with goodness for what they have done and are doing for Islam and Muslims, and serving the two Holy Mosques, and facilitating the arriving (to the holy mosques) for the labors, visitors and pilgrims. O Allah make this in their balance of good deeds. and in their account of good deeds. and make their efforts faithful and only for your sake. O Alive, Self-Sustaining. O Allah grant our scholars every goodness. O Allah keep for them their dignity and status. O possessor of Majesty and Honour! O Allah grant them success to clarify the advantages of the religion. O Most Merciful, Most Gracious. O Allah, grant success to our du'ah (clerics) and judges and the men of hessba (who promote virtue and prevent vice) and the police men, O Allah guide them all to what pleases you . O Allah reward them, for what they present for Islam and Muslims ,the best of rewards. O possessor of Majesty and Honour! O Allah grant success to Muslims Women. O Allah guide them to Hijab, modesty and virtue. O possessor of Majesty and Honour! O Allah protect them from (sfur) removing the veil and (tabruj)showing off their beauty to men. O Mighty, the Forgiver. O Allah correct the youth of Muslims. O Allah correct the youth of Muslims. O Allah guide them to temperance and moderation. You are Allah the most Great, the most exalted. O Allah endear faith to them and make it beautiful in their hearts. and make loathing to them disbelief, wrongdoing and contumacy. and make us with them among the guided. (20:05)O Allah make them tools for their countries and societies, and make them the delight of the eyes of their parents and family. O possessor of Majesty and Honour! O Allah correct the means of media. O Allah correct the means of media. and make it ruled by honest and intelligent ones. O possessor of Majesty and Honour! O Allah make it channels of guidance, advice and call of goodness and virtue, and fighting the evil, corruption and vice. O Alive self-Sustaining! O possessor of Majesty and Honour! O Allah let it rain. O Allah let it rain. O Allah let it rain. O Allah, there is no God but You, You are the Self-Sufficient and we are the poor, send rain upon us and do not make us among desperate. O Allah we ask forgiveness from You. Indeed, You are the Forgiving, so send rain upon us in abundance. O our God, our Lord and our Creator our Provider These are your slaves, raised the hands of humbleness to You our sinful forelock are between Your hands. O Allah forgive our sins. O Allah answers our prayers. and eliminate our mistakes. O Allah guide our hearts O Allah firm our pretence (evidence, authority) O Allah remove grudge and hatred from our hearts. O Allah let our account be taken by an easy reckoning. And give us our Record in Right hand. And make our balance of good deeds heavy. Fix our feet on the straight path. And bring us to the River of Your Prophet ( may Allah's Blessings and Peace be upon him) And give us a drink (from the river) by his (the prophet) blessed hand, a sip that we will never be thirsty again after. O Allah, make our last word in this life the testimony that there is no God but Allah, And that Muhammad is the messenger of Allah. And let us die and you are pleased with us, not angry at us. And make us in the hereafter among the safe ones. With those who shell no fear and grieve be on them. O Allah end our life with goodness. And make all our affairs end in goodness. O Allah let our last deeds be the best ones. And our best deeds be our last deeds. And our best days be the day we meet You. O Allah relieve our sadness on leaving our month. O Allah end the month of Ramadan with Your satisfaction on us. And free us from hell fire. And free us from hell fire. And free us from hell fire. O Allah You see our place. And hear our words. And You know our secrets and public. And nothing of our affairs is hidden from You. We are Your poor and sinful slaves. Repenting to You. The submitters. We ask of You the request of the poor. And we supplicate to You the supplication of the submitters. And we call upon You the call of the fearful . Prayers of these whose nicks have submitted to You. And their noise lowered to the earth for You. And their foreheads bowed to You. And their eyes cried for You. O Allah do not part our assembly except with a forgiven sins. And rewarded efforts. And accepted deeds. O Almighty O Forgiver! O Allah grant Mercy to our assembly. And let us leave our assemly sinless. And do not leave among us a miserable or deprived. "We hear and we obey; (We seek) Thy forgiveness, Our Lord, and to Thee is the end of all journeys." "Our Lord! condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins and Grant us forgiveness. Grant us forgiveness. Grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; help us against those who stand against faith." "Our Lord! Give us good in this world and good in the Hereafter and save us from the torment of the fire!" O Allah you have said, and Your Word is the clear truth. "Call on Me; I will answer your (Prayer)" O Allah this is the prayer, and from You is the answer, This is the effort and on You is our dependence, And there is no strength and no power except with Allah. O Allah accept our prayers, and qyiam (night prayers) And our supplication. And our good deeds. And by Your Mercy- and You are the Most Merciful- do not turn us away disappointed. Nor expelled from Your door. Nor deprived from Your mercy O Allah! what our mind is limited at, And our request did not reach of the good of this word and the hereafter. We ask You from it. And wish it from You. O Allah do not deprive us from the good with You by our evils. O Allah grant us from good more than that we wish for. And protect us from evil more than that we beware from. O possessor of Majesty and Honour! O the Most Beneficent. Who Pardon our sins. The Most Gracious. The Most Great Forgiver . O Alive Self-Sustaining. O Allah accept from us the good deeds. O Allah accept our deeds. Verily You are All-Hearer All-Knowing. And accept our repentance, You are the Acceptor of Repentance, the Most Gracious. And forgive us, our parents and all Muslims, The dead and the alive ones by Your Mercy You Are the Most Merciful. O Allah send Your Peace and Blessing upon Muhammad as many as the righteous remember him, May Allah peace be upon our Prophet as long as the day follows the night May Allah peace be upon our Prophet and his righteous company and pure family and upon Muhajreen (expatriates) and ansar (supporters) and Tabeen (followers) and who follow them in good as long as the day follows the night. Glory be to You O Allah and praise be to You We testified there is no God but You, We ask forgiveness of You and repent to You Glory to thy Lord the Lord, of Honour and Power! (He is free) from what they ascribe (to Him)! And Peace on the Messengers! And praise to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds. Ramdan 1429 February 09 B !!Alhmdulilah! I got B in a very difficult course. I am proud of myself. I know I could do better, but naah. I enjoyed the course after all. It is so funny that many things I studied in that course I was able to relate it to the current events. I studied about India and its politics while New Delhi was bombed. I studied about Blacks in America and Obama won the elections. I studied about the Great Depression and there was the economical crisis. Very interesting! Anyway, it was amazing course! What else? uh I am watching a Japanese drama. Of course Matsuyama is acting. He is sooo mean in this drama! But he is also a victim. The drama is called Zeni Geba. It really makes me wonder how can some people think money is that important. They spend all there lives gaining money and never enjoy their lives. Can any of these people grantee to me that he or she will live to the next day? It is really sad drama. But I am soo annoyed that I chose to watch it now! It is still new and I can watch only one episode a week! And I read someone said it is very interested that this drama is aired in this time, for now people losing their jobs and stuff just like in the show. And the drama talks largely about those people who get poor and how they turn to be in the future. I am really angry for and at Futarou !! It is very interesting that all modern literature I have studided share the same fact that there is no purely good or bad person. It is the same in this drama. Futarou who supposed to be the bad guy in this drama is the mostly I sympathize with. *sigh*
February 08 Death Notoo!Yesterday was a blissful day. It was raining and everything. I was cured. I got my soul back, FINALLY. I am happy Alhmdulilah. Ok, I finally watched Death Note. It is soo amazing! L is just sooo AMAZING. He is like magic! He is for Justice, so I am for him!
My prayers were answered sooner than I thought! It is the concept of time again. My old sword and all. Wow, I never change to many thing. I am just 2 things: + 0r -
and when I become the latter, I really can not change it, I just have to wait to get myself back. There are many kiddnappers out there..
ok, here is my new friend L. the definition of cuteness!
 now I can not wait to see the other movie! There is really something about Japanese moves. It always amazes me. They are way too cute. And I can watch the same movies many times! I watched Queen of Classroom many times, and I am ready to watch it again. I really do not feel they are human beings! they are more like cartoons! They are soo sweet to be real !! Kenichi Matsuyama is real any way =) February 06 Prisoner 214Prisoner 214 is different than all prisoners in the world. It serves life sentence in the prison. Its crime is never announced. There was no jury. Only the judge sat there in the court, closed his eyes and decided the sentence in his heart. It was never uttered aloud. Most of people believe it is innocent. Yet, they believe the judge is fair as well. So it has to serve its lifetime in prison as the judge decided. It could not accept it at first. It started to cry out loud, tried to destroy things around its cell and sometimes begged them to release it. It was in vain. There are no compromises. It had to spend its life in the prison. It gave up after few days. It became like a pet. It has no energy even to think. It forgot its name. It could go everywhere. Yes, it is in prison. But as I said, it is different than all prisoners. Actually It went to parties every weekend. It was a university student. It actually was allowed to do anything in the world except one thing. It could not be in the open. It had to stay between walls. It could not see the sky ever. Four walls were its prison. No matter where it was, it stayed between four walls. The sky was forbidden to see. It now could not think about anything except the sky. It could not enjoy all the parties and the books. It wanted to see the sky. It imagined the sky when it is blue, red and dark. It wanted badly to see the sky. It got sick. It was going to die after few days. It was allowed to see the sky finally. It was brought to an open area. It opened its eyes, looked up and could not see the sky. It was sunny day. It could see everything around it; the trees, people and cars. Yet, it could not see the sky. It ttied and tried, but it could not see the sky. It was not dark at night. It was morning and the sky was blue. But it could not see it. It said the sky was empty. There was no sky. It was empty, not black. After few minutes, it asked them to drive it back to its prison. February 04 why?Honestly, I do not love any body. I am not attached to anyone. I do not hate my family and friends, but I am not crazy about them. I would be lying if I said I love them. I simply do not care about them. All of them have this kind of conditional love, so I do not care to meet their conditions. I would rather be happy if they leave me alone away from their fake feelings. Anyhow, I am having problem with a little creature: my 4 years old cousin. Once I went to her house and find her with her sister alone without their mother. I do not know how to deal with children, so I just asked her questions and stuff. After that visit, she became officially in love with me. She wants to come to my house. She asks her mom to phone me so she can talk to me. When she meets me in my grandma house, she keeps following me around, wants to hug me, talk with me, and play with me. HELLO? I am an adult. What does this little creature want from me? I guess her mom thinks I had spell on her or something. I really can not understand her love. Why would a child love, remember, miss a person who is not close relative like this? I really want her to stop acting like this. It is creepy. She is embarrassing me. Especially that I am not good with children, and everyone waits for me to play with her in return for all the love she has for me. Excuse me! I am freaking adult, beside I don’t want her love, she is just troubling me. It is strange, finally I got a free unconditional love, and I really hate it. I really can not deal with human beings. Just back off !! February 02 Give me your eyes....?A 10 years old boy has lost his sight in the last Israeli war on Gaza last month. His two eyes were pulled out of its place because of Zionists rockets. It was heart-breaking to see him on TV channels with his father at hospital. Sometimes he is angry, impatient. Other times he smiles, talks to his mother on phone. Yet, he never stops saying “Allhmdulilah.” Two days ago, I was watching a campaign aired on TV channel made by Qatari students for helping Gaza. People from all around the world were donating generously. It did not surprise me because it is every Muslims duty to help people in Gaza. It is not a charity. However, a lady from North Africa has shocked me with her donation. She wanted to give one of her eyes to that child. I could not comprehend the lady’s mercy and compassion. I can not care less if someone donates all his money and house, but giving up an eye to a stranger is hard to believe. Actually the child’s own mother did not give up her eye for him, and that stranger lady did…what is she made of? Honestly, I could not even approve her action. Of course I wish that child to see again more than anything in the world, but I do not want that woman to lose her eye. I googled about eye donation. It appeared that dead people’s eyes can be used. That child is in Saudi hospital for more than 2 weeks now. I am sure hundreds of people have died here in these days. They all died and their full bodies were buried. It is so sad that none of them wished to donate his body organs after death. I can not imagine how many people will be happy by the help of those who have passed away. How many blind children will see the light again. I know I am not as angelic as that lady to give up my eye to someone while I am alive. At least I want every organ in my body to help another human to live after I die. I told mother that I want my hair and skin to be donated too if it could help someone out there. That lady did not just help the child to see the light again, but she helped me to see the mercy of humans as well. If a human can be such merciful, then I will always fail to comprehend the mercy of Allah. February 01 Go OnI can not believe I was angry with God for the few past days. I was as blind and ungrateful as a disbeliever. My only comfort was the blue. I gaze at the heavens and wonder how would the Creator of such magnificence be unjust to any soul? The perfection of the heavens reflects the perfection of its Creator. He can not be unjust. Yet, bad ideas were roving in my mind for days. The prayers were made reluctantly as much as my poor faith would allow it. All the thoughts which trouble me from time to time have to do with me being a woman. These ideas attack me for days. I suffer of cold wars in my mind. It always leave me alone after I become almost faithless. I believe all the wars which happened since the very beginning of humanity are not worse than the injustice against women. So no one gets me wrong, I believe the injustice against a western feminist woman is even worse than that I suffer of. The only solution to women situation in life was given by Islam, but no sooner it was hijacked by disgusting backward men. Anyway, I am blissful I am alive again. I am talking to Him again. I feel sorry for blaming Him for their faults. I regained my willingness to be on His side. I am on my way to Him. January 31 When I dieWhen I die I want to be an Angel I do not want to be human again I do not want to be half an Animal When I die I want to be a River so Pure, so Young When I die I want to be a Bird so Free, so Free When I die I want to be Woman again So Divine, So Merciful When I die I want to be a Mother so Humane, so Humane January 30 how to kill someoneYeah, yesterday I googled this sentence. All the results were blocked here in Saudi Arabia. But I was able to reach one site, and checked it out. Before explaining how to kill someone, the article asks the readers to think of the reason why they want to kill someone, and if it is worthy to spend their life time in jail for killing certain person. I did not think of it. I did not even continue reading the article. For I am not the killer type of person. I am a checkin. But I always think of killing some persons. I think I will do good for the rest of humanity. They are evil after all. But it is also wrong to kill.
life is strange. I really can not understand evil people. I do not know how can they be evil. why they are evil? what do they want from life? do they feel happy by being evil? it is strange how it will seem so wrong and evil if i killed them, but all what they do to me now does not seem evil. why killing is always wrong? sometimes i think it is ok. I know I have 2 choices. I either kill them or forgive them, or i will life the rest of my life miserable doing niether.
I still do not have the strength to kill or forgive. Allah says if I killed one person, it will be like killing the whole humanity. but what about the slow killing..? I feel like being killed slowly for ages. Are those people who slowly killing me humanity killers as well?
maybe forgiving evil people is what kills them...even for this kind of killing, I need strength..
April 21 I guessed I loved you...my friend sent me this song..i felt like it was written by me...it's strange how we struggle not to feel that way, but it happens anyway, for there is always such an amazing person like you out there...yeah..I am human after all... "I Guess I Loved You" Now Tomorrow is all there is No need to look behind the door You won't standing there no more I had my chance To dance another dance I didn't even realise That this was all love and no lies Then I lost you I guess I loved you Less, less than I should Now all there is It's me and me I turn around and all I see The past where I have left our destiny Now Tomorrow is a mystery I can not live without a dream Vanishing from reality I wanna know Would you come back to me? Now that I finally realised You are my home You are my life I need you I guess I loved you Oh, less, less than I should Now all there is It's me and me I turn around and all I see The past where I have left our destiny I guess I loved you Ah, less, less, less, less than I could Another time Another run To mend both of our broken hearts To tell you how much I can love you now I guess, I guess I loved you I guess I loved you December 09 drawing my name....on the air!!!Satisfaction... Every time my friends borrow my books or notes, they bring it back with a smile and one repeated question: ''your name is written on every page! do you like it that much?!'' i do write my name every time i hold pen in my hand, and most of the times, if not always, i do so unconsciously!! I write it in different colorers, shapes and sizes, and when i finish, i have no idea that i was drawing it. however, when i don't have a pen in my hand and it is free from doing anything, i realize that i am writing my name, with my forefinger...on the air!! i keep writing it, and erase to write it again at the same place, write it, then erase it, write then erase as if i am writing with a real pencil! everyone who gets to know me in real life, they quickly realize this habit of mine. the only explanation i got for this strange habit was from my friend, she said it means that you are not satisfied about your self and you want to be better person, surprisingly, it was the same explanation i read once about writing you name with pen constantly. i liked the explanation and i believe it is true :) December 01 I love….. me!!I LOVE........ME!!!!
I wanted to do read what I have written 7 years ago...i really did not get the courage to!!! November 22 U R FREEThe 12 Diamonds A little girl was standing in the center of a vast hall. the hall was crowded. but people were so tiny and small, like ants, except for the little girl. strangely they did not see her though she was huge beside them. she used to live like this, watching the ant-size people all the time. sometimes she laugh at them, sometime cried for them, sometimes she learn for them. she thought that's what is the life all about. one day, a man came in that hall. from another far hall. she was amazed, because he was huge not like all people she knows. he was even hugger than her. and not like all people around the hall, he can see her. he approached her, asked about her name. he loved her name so much, and she loved everything about him. she did not watch ant-size people anymore, she only sees him, listens to every single word he utters. from the first time she met him, he showed her two things she have never seen; a torch and a mirror. a magical mirror, every time she look at it, she doesn't see her face, she sees his! sometimes he smiles, sometimes he is angry, sometimes sad. she loved the mirror, she hid it in her pocket all the time, it is her treasure. when she is alone, she takes it out and keep looking at it. yet, she did not take the torch. he was holding it tight with his strong fist. every time he comes to see her, he shows the torch to her, but still holds it tight. now she starts to be familiar with the torch, she thought it is attractive. he showed her the 12 diamonds in the torch. he told her the torch holder is made of gold, and he counted with her the diamonds; holding her small finger he made her touch each diamonds and count with him ''.....9,10,11'' she saw the last diamond's place is empty and got scared, ''where is the last diamond!! we lost it'' he smiled at her ''do not worry, she will find her way again, I even do not need to search for her! she will find her way'' she looked at him amazed. now he allowed her to hold the torch when they meet. she was sitting away from him, and keep gazing at the beautiful violet diamonds. sometimes she cries because they are unbearably beautiful. yet she did not like the torch holder, she did not feel it is from gold as he told her. she wanted to tell him, but she did not like to make him sad, because she knows how much he loved his torch. ‘’who made this torch?’’ she once asked him. he looked at her, for along time. she got frightened. regretted the question. ''you like the torch, do not you?'' He smiled at her. ''I like the 11 demands'' ''the gold holder too, do not you? and the 12th diamonds! you should see her, it is just as beautiful as the others!'' ''I have a prettier holder, it is from light!'' his smile has vanished upon those words...he grabbed the torch out of her small hands, and left the hall...for ever... now
everyday, the girl brings her lighted holder, puts it outside the hall, and prays
she comes back and does not find it. every time the little girl looks at the
mirror, she Prays for Mercy.
November 11 I am dying...I AM DYING . . . I woke up at dawn with every part of my body is aching. I remember how happy I was yesterday. it was almost perfect day. I was almost sinless. this pain must be nothing but a bliss. Allah wants to purify me from my sins with this pain. I smiled at myself for this peaceful idea and stayed awake at my dark room, aching and trying to be patient while everyone else is asleep. pains got harder. I was whispering to God, almost going to faint of pains, I started to cry quietly. mother, my killer, came to wake me up for school. She turned on the light then left. yes. she saw I am already awake, but she did not see my tears, my swollen face, my shuddering body. pains got harder. it is unbearable now. I did not want to be purified anymore, I wanted it to stop now. I laid back again and covered myself. ''K------'' I startled on my mother voice; sharp like a knife. ''wake up! You will be late for school!!'' I looked at her with my red face and tearing eyes. ''I won't go today!'' said I with a sharper tone which has scatter my moment of mercy. ''why?!! you have already missed your Wednesday classes!'' she said, neglecting my tears and trembling voice. ''I am tired'' ''what hurts you?'' ''EVERYTHING'' she left me. yes. she just left. leaved me with my tears and my new moment of torment and God's anger. Allah may won't even look at me in hereafter because of this. I am almost cursed. the pains have vanished. totally disappeared. Yet, I cried more than ever, for moment of mercy has gone. why do you do this mother? why do you pushing me to hell? you have planted me 20 years ago, and for 20 years you have forgotten to feed me. now I am so thirsty mama, so weak and fragile. how can you love a person you have met in your life more than the one you have gave life to? one who was within you once, fed with your own blood, part of your soul. she came again checking on me, standing one meter away of my bed. I saw tears in her eyes while she was talking. I hate you mama. I detest you. why are you so weak? why are you such a coward? why are you standing so far? I won't shun you away if you come close mama, I swear. I am not like you. She smiled at me, I unwillingly forced a smile…she is making a monster out of me. . . she left with pains heavier than mine. that's the only thing I am happy about.
November 07 A man for one night!Tonight, I wished to be a MAN To break a GIRL heart. Tonight, I wished to be a MAN To love two WOMEN alike. Tonight, I wished to be a MAN To have my small destructive TROOPS. Tonight, I wished to be a MAN To invade another IRAQ. A MAN for one night. A HEARTLESS for one night. I am not
judging the man’s culture in the picture attached, talking generally, and this
one has captured my thought ( a MAN thinking he rules the world)
November 03 Where is God?
Ramadan memories (1-2) 15-9- 1428 a conversation between river (me) and lama ( my 4 years old cousin in almadina) River: habebe leave that down, mama will get angry of you if you broke it Lama: mama is not here now, she does not know! River: Allah knows (said smiling) Lama: Allah sees me all the time, He sees everything! River: where is Allah? (I have always wanted to ask a child this question..ask a pure heart that only taught by Allah) Lama: up (raising her head while playing with her mother's mobile) River: which do you prefer? Eid or Ramadan?!! Lama: what do YOU like more?! River: YOU tell me first!! Lama: .....Eid. (hesitantly) River: i like them both. (smiling) Lama: me too!! (getting closer to me) how is jannah looks like?! River: anything you want will find it up there..candies, toys, flowers... Lama: is there a zoo?!! (now sitting down on the floor next to my feet) River: Yes there is!! Lama: can Allah makes us like this on air?! (jumping on her feet and rising her hands on the air) River: you mean flying?! yes yes!! anything is possible in heaven. Do you know prophet Mohammad?! Lama: salla Allahu alihi wa salam!! (said she correctingly for saying his name solely) River: yes salla Allahu alihi wa salam! (peace be upon him) good girl!!! Our beloved prophet had a beautiful cousin who has lost both of his arms, but because he was a good man the prophet said he will have two beautiful wings in paradise!! Lama: He won't have arms? River: no baby, he will have arms and wings, too, to fly wherever he wants! Lama: what should I do so 'rabbana' gives me wings like him? River: well, first you have listen to what mama says, and you should not touch others'.... (she ran away. no more interested of what i am talking about) . . One day, a great wise man was walking in the market, many young men were following him, writing every word he says. An old lady was observing the scene, then said abruptly ''who is that?!'' ''you do not know who is he!!'' said a man surprisingly, '' this is Alrazi who has written a book which providing a thousand and one proof of Allah existence!!'' ''And who doubt Allah existence?!!'' said the lady, ''by God, if he did not has thousand and one doubt, he would not need to find thousand and one proof!'' ***when Alrazi heard about her, he cried and prayed Allah to give him old people's faith . . . I pray Allah to give me Lama's faith. . .
October 29 how to make Earth peaceful again?!!!how to make Earth peaceful again?!! so simple! give all men in the world sleeping pills. we will enjoy peace for few hours. Note: Livni and Condoleezza should have those pills too!! i do not think they are girls anyway . . . . do not blame me people, i could not sleep tonight because of the silliest man in the world |
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how sweet I am! yes! i am always cruel
in judging myself, i am so severe upon myself, but when I was reading my
diaries, I fell in love with the soul that wrote those words, I was smiling
more and more..to myself! I wanted to hug myself, does anyone got that idea
before ^.^ no really. I saw how my life is beautiful. I saw how Allah is so
merciful upon me. I recognize how even if Allah has deprived me from the
amazing people I come to know in life, He gave me the chance to meet them at
the first place.. I was reading what Allah has written about me before I was
born, with my simple words. I love Allah, the life and....me 
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